Royal wedding got me all warm and fuzzy

So I thought it was only appropriate to share the vows Jr. Stac and I exchanged on August 15, 2009–the best day of my life so far.

I went first…

Jeff,

Throughout our life together, I promise I will do all that I can to make sure we live the best life possible.

I will be silly and cute, smart and responsible, loving and romantic.

I promise to support you in your endeavors, and to help you reach your goals.

I promise to make every decision with your best interests in mind, to put your happiness before mine, and to not let one moment pass without appreciating the amazing bond we share.

I promise to always be on your side, to defend you, to protect you from anything bad. And if I can’t, I promise to hold you and console you.

I promise you will always be my one and only.

I make these vows because I love you so much. (This is where I totally lost it.) You are the love of my life, my soul mate, and the man of my dreams.

I am endlessly overwhelmed by the love you have for me and I promise I will do everything I can to make sure I live up to your perfection. Thank you for choosing me.

I love you.

I know mine were a little cliche but it really all came from the heart so I went with it. Jr. Stac’s are more creative. Which didn’t surprise me considering he is a great writer.

Then it was his turn…

Lish,

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health; I will love and honor you all the days of my life.

I promise to always stand by your side, and to watch with you in awe as our lives ebb and flow;

I promise to celebrate with you when love comes easy, and to toil with you when it requires some effort;

I promise to protect you in body and mind, and shelter you from fear;

I promise to share your hopes and dreams, and to work to make them real;

I promise to honor our past, and to embrace the uncertainties of the future;

I promise to never reshape you in a different image, for you are already perfectly beautiful;

I promise to strive to make our little lives a little more fun;

I promise to bring you roses, when you ain’t got none; (This got a laugh from the crowd)

And I promise to be, and remain, your very best friend.

We have kept our promises to one another. I love him more today than I did then or ever thought was possible. <3

Scary Post

Today I started Trevos, a “behavior modification” weight loss program. My mom joined about 10 years ago and successfully lost her weight and kept it off, so I figured I would give it a try. Basically the way it works is you have an overall goal and then certain amounts you must lose each week to stay in the program. They advocate changing the way you think about food and encourage calorie counting. If you are kicked out of the group because you have failed to meet your goals, you can never join again in your life. Pretty intense but it definitely holds you accountable.

The reason I must get a hold of my weight? I’ve gained 40 pounds since August 2009.

It’s hard to admit and is totally totally shitty, but it’s the truth.

I could blame it on PCOS, and maybe some pounds can be attributed to that. But in all honesty, I’ve been eating like crap, drinking way too much beer and wine, and hardly doing any physical activity for the last year and a half+. Of course, Jr. Stac, who I do and eat everything with all day every day–no, I will never get sick of him– is basically the exact same weight as the day I met him almost 8 years ago. so.not.fair.

I know that losing weight will really help me in my journey to motherhood–something I feel like I am so far from right now and that I want so badly. That’s really all the motivation I need, but on top of that, I also know it will make me happier and healthier and more energetic and even more fashionable. Starting today I am going to suck it up, maybe drink light beers instead of five thousand calorie IPAs, go outside and be active with my husband and dogs, and respect myself by caring more about the food I put in me.

Here is me currently. At 168.5 pounds. There. I said wrote it. Kinda liberating, actually!

At a friend's wedding--matching :)

I don’t have a recent full body pic (thank god) but problem areas are definitely my stomach and love handles. Alert! I am about to admit something pretty embarrassing (but hey it’s my blog): Sometimes I push out my already big belly with stretch marks and stand sideways looking in the mirror pretending to be pregnant. (God, how fucked up and depressing is that?)

I know some people say that I’m not really that overweight. But for me, I really am. I have a small frame. I am barely 5’5″ and naturally I should be about 135. For comparison sake, check out this picture from the fall of 2004. Skinny minnie!

look at my poster! lol!

I don’t want to get that skinny again and I am not even sure I could. But I do want to lose at least 30 pounds. Which I think is doable.

I hope if I don’t get skinny, I get pregnant. Prenatal appointments would be way more fun than nazi-like diet meetings that’s for sure.

Hoping for better luck second time around

As you probably guessed, our first round of Clomid was a bust. Even though I had two mature follicles, we timed the baby dance right , and I ovulated, I still didn’t get pregnant.

And I handled it really well. Since I was taking my temps every morning, I knew on CD27 that I was going to get my period. My temp dropped .5 degrees and then another .5 degrees the next day. I didn’t even have/get the chance to test before Aunt Flow arrived. But since I had the warning, I was ready for it and had already made up my mind that I would just keep charging ahead and take Clomid right away for a second month.

That’s what I did and today is CD 14 of Clomid cycle #2. I took 100mgs on days 3-7. The side effects were much better this time around (so far). I found out on Friday that I only had one mature follicle, though. I should be ovulating any minute but I’ll go in on Monday so they can draw my blood to make sure that I actually did.

I went to a new acupuncturist today and he is super cute. He has a cleft lip but it’s really charming and he is so good looking! Lol..I’m in love. Anyways, my RE recommended him so I thought I would give it a try. Why not?

I am not really feeling positive about this cycle and I don’t know why. Just already feel like it didn’t work and am thinking ahead to the third cycle. I don’t know if I am just trying to limit expectations or if my gut is just really telling me the truth. Time could tell.

In other news, got a new doula client today who is due May 17. Didn’t realize how close that is! :)

My Friday Night: Helping Bring Baby Earthside

A week ago, I was a doula for an amazing couple. Because this is THEIR birth story and as a doula I love myself some confidentiality, I will forego the details and tell a simple birth story expressing my feelings and role during the birth.

And, well, it was AMAZING. In every prenatal meeting Mom wanted a med-free birth, but, when we got to the hospital, she told me how she would be “fine with getting an epidural if she needed one.” Well, I knew she really wanted a natural birth, and while I would obviously support and respect her in any decision she made, I made it my goal to try and get her that med-free birth she wanted.

And guess what? She kicked butt and had the birth she always dreamed of, med-free and all!

In between early labor and baby, there was a beautiful labor where mama and dad were slow dancing and moaning together. I was your quintessential new-ish doula with my lavender massage oil, flame-less candles, birth ball, and warm compresses. I got to use a tool I never used before and it worked like a charm. I have a hollow rolling pin that I filled with hot water (you can also fill it with ice) and rolled up and down her back while she swayed on the ball. There was a “calm” that flooded the hospital room. With lights dimmed low and soft pretty music playing, even though labor was intense, we managed as a team to get in the zone. Coping mechanisms were working, dad was loving, and my presence, I believe (hope!), gave her the confidence and motivation she needed to bring her baby into the world.

During labor, I noticed that certain words of encouragment worked better than others. These are phrases I used a lot:

  • It’s aaalllll in your belly.
  • Let the wave build up, then feel it release.
  • This will end just like the last one and you will get your break.
  • I am RIGHT here with you and you will never be alone. We will get through each one together.
  • Just like that. You did it. We will do it again just like that.
  • During transition: You CAN do this. You ARE doing this.

As soon as she expressed the first sign of doubt, I knew the end was near. It was transition if I’ve ever seen it. Then, in one quick moment, she needed to push. Not exaggerating, one minute later, her baby was on her belly. Doc didn’t even make it to the room!

We all cried tears of joy. It was AMAZING, beautiful, perfect, happy, a celebration of life, a celebration of women, and celebration of the human body and what it is capable of. I couldn’t have asked for a better Friday night.

Finishing out the perfect birth, baby latched on and sucked like a champ. Of course he did, we said, he was perfect in every other way.

I was honored to be this family’s doula and I can’t wait to hold the little guy (if she’ll share) this weekend during my postpartum visit. :)